Issue 9 (02/04/00)




Tonight I am trying so very hard to keep a straight face as I write this, my face keeps creasing into a smile and every so often a laugh rumbles up from my belly.

It's not easy you know, trying to write an article when every so often you fall flat on your back with your 4 paws waving in the air. But I will try……Oh gawd, here I go again……Em: howls with laughter till her eyes water.

Right, I'm composed now, so I will begin..

Today Badriya the Bewitcher died.

Oh gawd, I can't do it, my eyes are watering so badly I cant see my screen and if I laugh any more my sides will split. I had better refresh myself with a good drink of catnip wine and take a break before I continue.

Em: pads off muttering about composing oneself before trying to compose a suitable obituary for ….howl!….Badriya…..hiccup!

Ok, I'm back and I will continue in a more professional manner, and leave my own delight and heartfelt joy out of it…..I will try, I promise.

Today as Badriya was doing her usual castle run she fell foul of a necro called Someones who promptly proceeded to hack her to bits…..em: will not laugh

When she re emerged outside the pub, as a Sorceror, I am given to understand that the air was blue and her language ripe. Badriya would not speak to any of the invis immorts there until she knew who had killed her.

It appears she suspected every invis immort to have been the perpetrator of the wunnerful, oooops…dastardly deed. I can only speak for myself, but it wasn't my 2nd that did it, and quite frankly I don’t care who or if Someones was a 2nd, I still bought her a blurry large drink.

Oh gawd, here I go again!

Em: falls over laughing and lands on her back with all 4 paws flailing in the air.

If I have any regrets at all about the demise of Badriya, it's that I wasn't there to see it. I missed out on a darn good gloat. I mean, her excuse for dying was that she mistyped qq! Now I've heard it all.

Right, time for bed and I do hope my composure settles before I attempt the rest of this issue, gawd, my ribs are so sore….giggle.

It's been a weekend for seeing big players bite the dust. This time it was Art the necro. Yes, I know, he never leaves safe unless the game is empty, but someone forgot to point out that the game is NEVER empty…chuckle.

Apart from the invis immorts who might be lingering the game is also full of mobiles and guess which mobile floored the hapless necro?

T'was the bear that got him. I mean, how can a necro be killed by the bear? Do they suddenly forget about keeping an eye on a mobile's score as they are swapping punches? Is the arithmetic involved too complex for some? Or are they so afraid of losing 5k for fleeing out that they end up dying and losing half their points, in this case over 45k.

OUCH! An expensive lesson Art.

Apart from episodes of death there also appears to be a sudden rise in temper tantrums from those who have lost points to another. It is remarkable how many players will re-emerge yelling and screaming abuse and even swearing. Tsk tsk.

Now, no one likes losing points, but as I have repeatedly stressed, Shades is a rough tough fighting game.

Everyone loses points and levels on the rise to the top, that’s why getting immortality is so highly prized. You have to work for it, it's not given out like a gold star for good map making or above average mobile slaying.

There were two such examples yesterday. Angelis got battered by Flitter, both enchanters and boy was Angelis mad! He not only decided to inform Flitter of her character defects but decided to bring on a 2nd to get even with her. Unfortunately he brought on a gallant, sigh. He attacked the enchantress who, when she realised she was actually about to kill a baby gallant, took the softer option and zapped him off so he didn’t lose what little score he already had. Was the little twerp grateful? Was he heck! He proceeded to bring on yet another gallant, one we all know and giggle at, and proceeded to yell out how he had so worried the enchantress that she had had to zap him!

Next time, I doubt if he will meet with such considerate treatment when he loses his temper, and will get his head added to someone's collecting dish.

BTW, silly boy, you've now given away to all that were present as to whom Angelis belongs. Bad move.

Another episode occurred on the following morning, but this time it was MUCH more than a temper tantrum, this player went ballistic!

Uno the seer attacked Sierra the spellbinder who, as is her want, qq'd from the fight. In so doing she lost lotsa points and a level. Well, this happens when one qq's from a fight, so was she pleased she didn’t die and lose even more? What do you think?

She came back on and promptly began to accuse him of being such a low life form that even I cannot repeat it here. She was yelling it out at the top of her voice all over the game, from pointing out his personality defects to describing him as an anal orifice, not to mention the contents that can extrude from said orifice. How Uno kept a straight face I will never understand, but he told me he made a fatal error, he told Sierra that she could rant all she liked but he was going to ignore her! That was a bad move.

She now got up a full head of steam and proceeded not only to question his ancestry but all those of British origin. He was amazed when she gave him a history lesson on how the US of A saved us all with their planes in the war, and then even our Royal family got a mention, seems, according the the book of Sierra, they had spent all our money during this period and we had to be helped out financially by the ex-colonials. The things one learns when playing Shades!

Uno said he exercised great restraint, and despite great provocation did not once mention any arena of war that the ex-colonials failed to win.

It was just after this that Sierra was lodged in jail and peace descended once more.

So, to Sierra, I would like to say the following. Why keep whinging that you haven't got Zmud? Go to the website and download it, it's free. Are players now expected to stop before an attack and kindly enquire as to your s'ware capabilities? And, another thing puzzles me, why did you say that you had played for years and years to get your Spellbinder? Did you not know that when an immort reads your score it tells them the actual day your persona was created? Well, you do now.

Shame on you. At your age! Behaving like that in front of young uns. Do try to add a little dignity to your playing, gawd knows it would make a change.

A word to all those who have felt mightily miffed with another player. Keep it to tells. By all means vent your anger at the offender, but keep it private. That way you don’t fall foul of the immorts. Who, quite rightly, take exception to such vulgar displays of public temper. But take care you aren't snooped when you do, some immorts are sensitive.

For some of us, logging on yesterday, the 1st, was a bit of a shocker. Some Arch, who will be nameless but at whom I am casting a very baleful eye, decided that renaming 30 or so personas, not his own incidentally, would be a jolly jape to play.

Em: Glares hard at Zeon while wondering what he wants to be when he grows up……sniff!

I, not being aware of the significance of the date, decided that I had perhaps fallen foul of Amby in my absence. Well, we cats don't usually concern ourselves with human foibles, put closer enquiry told me that Amby was NOT the culprit but that the aforementioned glared at Arch was.

His reasoning behind some of the name changes was apparent, some not so. I am therefore publishing a selection for you to judge.

I, believe it or not, was renamed Fleabag! Me! She who has never sported a flea in her life! The mortification, the shame, the indignity of it! ……sulk..

Azmodan was renamed Drunkard, apt if not funny. Poor Chuckles ended up as Moany, Savvanah as Yummygirl, now I wonder just what Zeon had in mind when he came up with that one? Aeia was Pvcgirl, Wired became Connected, and not before time, grin, then Laki was Kali and Branwell finally made it! His name was changed to a high laxative high fibre cereal called Allbran.

He has finally been recognised for all the years he has spent boring the s*** out of everyone.

Nice one Branny………wink.

Poor Hazeii, all kneel, took so much stick from players who thought he was responsible for their new names that he got hoarse yelling his innocence and had to leave to go and lie down. Being a Coder is NOT easy ….snigger.

Right, I'm off to my basket in the fond hope that when I awaken and pad back on to Shades my name and my dignity will be restored……. Now where did I put that Arch busting powder? The one marked "Zeon"?

Here Zeon, nice Zeon, come to da pussy cat like a nice Arch….mutter …mumble…


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