Last Saturday March 4th 1989, we - the shady public witnessed probably the worst disaster since Clapham Junction. No, it wasn't the shooting down of a Salmon Rushdie supporter, but something much much worse!! On this day at approximately 10pm - a time when most of you are probably just starting to get totally drunk out of your head at your local boozer,. a certain well known Immortal, in a land known as Shades was preparing death on a most devastating scale. For those of you fortunate enough not to have anything interesting to do that time on Saturday, you were probably playing Shades, and so will have witnessed some of the things I am about to discuss, or indeed may have been prey to them.

Game 15 was the place where it all started, during a quiz on the now infamous scrolling gateway. A largish group of mortals and a small group of wizzes namely Gauntlet, Liszendir, Zindavier and Ford were partaking in questions for the under 5's when suddenly terror struck! Gauntlet, Liszendir and Zindavier were rapidly booted from the quiz game at a terrific 2400 speed. Most of the mortals on the game at that time would not have been aware of this. But within seconds the message 'Fighting is allowed' appeared on their screen. Suddenly Pynkfloid the wish-I-wasn't-a-coward-and-smarmy-git Necromancer and Pohjola the I-am-a-man-really Sorceress were zipped to the Pit at Mocad Lane. Suddenly Ford the wizard attacked Pohjola and MT'd the Longsword and retted.... MORTAL ONE had died.

Pynkfloid having seen this and with both his braincells tied together managed to work out that he was no longer outside the pub and indeed wasn't even in in Safe!. Ford eyed Pynkfloid and thought 'I've got him now' and preceded with a K PYNK. But, Pynky was no fool he had all his fkeys set up to either FL O or BERSERK, but it was so long since he had left safe, he didn't know which was which, He had a 50% chance of getting it right so he shut his eyes tight and prayed to Lordant and wacked his fkeys in rapid succession. It worked he hit the BERSERK key first time and not only that, his BERSERK worked first time. FORD feeling enraged that this had happened decided not to return to game 15 as the other wizzes might have discovoured how to log back on by now and indeed may even know how to get to the Pit at Mocad Lane. So he decided to try his luck on VIEWDATA.

Upon his arrival on game 1 he was greeted by two high level Necro Pacifists. Panda the don't-attack-me-because-I-might-become-extinct Necromancess and Hypatia the I-am-getting-married-to-Tenon-this-evening Necromancess. Licking his lips at what could prove some very tasty bit of death, Ford took himself to room 56 (The death area in the shifting sands) and promptly zipped them both in a quick K PANDA went in and MORTAL TWO! was reduced to a sorc. K HYPATIA was next but when your a pacifist old habits die hard and she immediately reacted with an FL O, QQ. Bemused by the whole incident though Hypatia decided to return only to be greeted by a Ford the Satanic wizard compels you to : WH ALL, which also worked hehe! and she was promptly re-attacked and became MORTAL THREE! on the deathtoll.

By this time the Chatline was buzzing with desperate cries for help and assistance for an archwiz, but Ford was no MUG he knew they were all out on the piss! Checking his watch he knew that pretty soon other players would know what he was up to so he decided to do a QW and who should he see but none other than Keddy the I-am-totally-boring-and-crap-at-Shades -so-please-Smit-can-you-get -me-an-account -as-mummy-wont-pay-my-bill-even-though-I-am-in-all -the-best-Inshades-articles Gallant. Need I say more but MORTAL FOUR! met his doom and was exploratised.

Panda meanwhile had taken it upon herself to return to the game and get killed one more time by Ford this time taking her down to Enchantress. Ford sniggered evily at the mound of carcasses around him before checking all the other games for decent high levels to massacre. There weren't any so he QQ'd and returned to the Quiz on game 15. Where by now Gauntlet had taken control advising everyone to log off and only return to the game if they had a novice. Thrasher the lick-lick-slap-slap-plus-a-bit-more- Sorcerer sneered at Gauntlets pompous suggestion before he was zipped and destroyed by Ford. MORTAL FIVE!. Ford by this time was clearly receiving a fair amount of attention and this was confirmed when Gauntlet muttered the words 'Youre dead meat'. 'Yes, would you like some Gauntlet? I can't possibly eat all this myself' Ford replied before summoning Epidemic the I-was-taught-to-fight-by-Minotaur-but-what-good-is-that-now Valiant and making him MORTAL SIX!. Ford was then given the boot and checked his watch once more and realising that time was running out decided to return to vdata.

He was greeted by Fluffy and Scarlett who started to question his actions but got no reply (he wasn't being unsociable it was just that he had a piece of Keddy stuck in his teeth) Ford once more took himself off to room 56 and typed ZIP GI(MMY) but instead he zipped GIARNARTH the wizard and attacked him. 'he's attacking wizzes now' screamed Giarnarth. Ford realised his mistake so fled down before re-ZIPping Gimmy the I-am-about-to-die Valiant. MORTAL SEVEN!

In the meantime Panda had returned yet again this time as an Enchantress. Ford once more sniggered evily. before killed her yet again. 'OH NO!' he thought thats 3 times in a reset I killed her if Lordant ever finds out that I have committed excess he will surely blot me. But then he remembered that Lordant only blotts him for killing Lordants mortals 3 times in a reset so he cheered up again and left for scrolling once more. By now Ford had got fed up with the boring old quiz so he went to game 9 instead. He did a QW to see what awaited his terror, but feeling a little full by now after 3 portions of Panda he decided it was time to do something different and wacky. He jailed Betsy for nothing along with 3 others. by this time quite a collection of Immortals had gathered and some of them were even visible! 'Right' they thought, 'we will show him.' the cowardly fools too scared to bring on their mortals to face their foe started booting Ford to stop him committing his dastardly deeds. Ford wasn't having any of this, he returned immediately fuming mad! they had really done it this time Ford went berserk attacking every Explorer in sight but paused momentarily to guzzle down Luggage the I-am-about-to-lose-half-my-points Sorceress (I don't know which mortal number she was but it must have been well into double figures by now!) But, Ford was finished there those explorers had given him a sweet tooth so he zipped Liszendir the I-am-an-immortal-so-narrr nah! Witch just for the hell of it and attacked her.

Ford eyeing the time, knew it would soon all be over. He rapidly set up his fkeys to BOOT GAUNTLET, BOOT SIAN, BOOT LIZSENDIR, BOOT ZINDAVIER and gave them a blast of 2400 BOOTS just for good measure. Doing a QQ he decided it was back off to Viewdata but when he tried to re-login he couldn't so he logged on as Deathmonk but found he had been OSTRACISED!!!!. OH DAMN! he thought 'I Knew that Panda would grass me up to Lordant for killing her 3 times in one reset. Ford did a QW just to see if any of his Mafia pals were about the place, but they were using other peoples accounts by now and some of them hadn't even been terminated yet.

Ford is still to this day stuck on game 8 but has managed to regain some of his pts he is now Gallant. - Will he ever RETURN??????

Lets look at the Facts....

The death toll was estimated at approximately 25 - it went on for about 15 minutes.

Ambushbug was the Arch-Wizard who blotted and ostracised Ford.

Most of the Dead have now been ressurected.

Immediately after the incident of that Saturday night, accusations started flying about as to who was playing Ford at the time. 'This is not Fords style, It could not possibly have been him' were common comments by many Ford fanatics. there were suspicions of it being many others as names were thrown about.

SMIT, PERIALAGA, MINOTAUR, LORDANT, MAK, THE MAFIA!, SATAN, even HAZEII was suspected of this doing. But, I, Falcon's crack reporter am able to reveal I now know after a long investigation, exactly who it was. The report that you have just read is in itself slightly dramatised but now the less the sequence of events are accurate, as seen from the eyes of the offender.

When I spoke to the real Ford he told me that the only time he had logged on that evening was at about 7pm when he was on as Deathmonk. He had been attacking one of Lordants seconds (Caroline) and winning (just for a change) when Caroline decided to head off into safe so that he wouldn't lose half his pts. From here Caroline started having a go at Deathmonk, In what was clearly a personal attack. Caroline made suggestions that Deathmonk should go an play another MUG, as he was ruining this one and he would not stand for it! Caroline stated that Ford had been against Shades right from the start. Deathmonk told Caroline that it was only a game and he enjoyed killing but Caroline said it was Hazeii's earnings so it had to be taken seriously. Caroline started to get really personal with Ford by making comments about why he was so small etc.

Some of you might be wondering exactly why I am mentioning this, well the answer is this... That extract is just one in a saga of incidences of Ford being picked on by Lordant. Lordant has had it in for Ford for quite some time. And Ford has been receiving many threatening MBXs from Lordant who kept promising to blot his wiz for his various actions. Lordant even went so far as to ban him from ever attacking one mortal (SUE) ever again. So the point I am making is that if it was the real Ford, then it was only a matter of time before Lordant was going to blot and ostracise him anyway so I could well understand him being driven into this action.

But enough of all that now for the moment of truth just who was it who did this???? Well I am afraid that I know and you don't, and thats the way its gonna stay until the foresaid person decides to make it public.

Take all the facts into consideration, and with the help of this report, I leave you to deceide for yourself, who REALLY did the Saturday Night Massacure.